A catalogue of conservative Christian insanity

Doors

Mother: I don't want you in your friend's room with the door closed.
Me: Even though you say you believe me when I tell you that she's my BEST FRIEND and there's nothing going on between us?
Mother: 
Me: 
Mother: We talked about this.
Me: No, what you said was that it "makes you uncomfortable when I hang out in her room for long periods of time in the dark. I remember that conversation very clearly, in fact.
Mother: No, I said I didn't want you in her room.

Clothes

Mother: [Talking about my best friend] Is she wearing your clothes?
Me: Yeah, I lent her some. Why?
Mother: That's not appropriate.
Me: ...What?
Mother: I have some clothes that she can borrow if she needs to.
Me: I lent her a hoodie and a pair of pants. It's not a big deal.
Mother: I know that it's exciting to know that a girl is wearing your clothes, but it's inappropriate.
Me: ...

New Years Eve party

Mother: [On New Years Eve day] Don't drive tonight once you get to where you're going, people are crazy on New Years Eve.
Me: Sure thing, I'll stay the night and come home in the morning.
Mother: [An hour later] I don't feel comfortable with you staying overnight since you were sick yesterday, I think you need to come home and sleep in your own bed tonight.
Me: But we worked all this out a week ago...plus you just told me not to drive after midnight tonight. What gives?
Mother: If you don't feel comfortable with driving home, I can come pick you up.

Rent

I got told today that I’ll have to start making a ridiculously high rent payment each month if I continue to live with my parents. This could have been a good thing, except I’ve been assured that I’m still not going to be treated like an adult, and will still have my curfew and wake-up time enforced.

Earring

It took literally 6 months of me not hiding my second earring for my mother to notice that I had another piercing in my ear.

Christmas lights

My mother made a spinner out of a paper plate and a piece of gold paper that she cut into an arrow. She divided the plate into three parts; one she marked “straight”, one “left”, and one “right”. As we were leaving the house to go to dinner, she told me to spin the spinner. It landed on “right”.
“All right, turn right out of the driveway!” She told my father.
She had my sister and I alternate spinning the spinner for each possible turn we came to; wherever we went, she had my father slow down to look at the Christmas lights. Her idea was that we’d continue like this until we found a restaurant.
We had to continue like this for about an hour and a half until she finally let us go get food.

"You're a brute."

Mother: That's probably closer to one egg than two.
Me: It's cool, I don't really care.
Mother: You're a brute then.
Me: What?
Mother: Caring is a human trait. When someone stops caring, they cease to be a human, and thus become a brute.
Me: So I'm not human? Are you quoting the Bible at me again?
Mother: No, just expressing a truth that I know.

"Do you smoke pot?"

Mother: [in the middle of a completely unrelated conversation] Do you smoke pot?
Me: ...Why?
Mother: Because I've noticed that you've felt demotivated recently. And pot will do that to you if you smoke it.
Me: No, I actually don't smoke weed. But would you have a problem if I did?
Mother: No, I would be disappointed though.
Me: Why?
Mother: Because it messes up your mind and I'd hate to see you ruining your life.